I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
