No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
