I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
