You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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