i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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