I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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