bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
