Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
