and i looked up. we had an audience...
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Randomize
