He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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