Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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