If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
