Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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