My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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