I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
