2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
