The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
