I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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