My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
