I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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