I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
