i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
