I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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