Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
