i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize
