I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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