Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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