You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
Randomize
