he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
