Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
