Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
