onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sorry about my life...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
