M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
