The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Randomize
