if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
