Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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