Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
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