i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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