why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize
