What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you never un-have a 4some
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Randomize
