New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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