from now on my penis is your penis
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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