You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Found your dick twin last night
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
