I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
