my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
