I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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