I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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