I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
