Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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