im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
