ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
