I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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